Phobias

Phobias

I have a long list of phobias, few of them rational, most of them seemingly irrational until you get into the reasoning.

Turkeys and/or Geese

Both are total assholes. First, some random turkey facts. Wild turkeys spend their nights in the branches of trees. I bet if you were to be walking around minding your own business, and saw a fuckin’ turkey looming over you in the branches, you would run away as fast as you can. Running is futile. The wild turkey can run up to 18 mph. So not only are those bastards stalking you, they will chase you down and peck you to death. Apparently when my dad was a child, a turkey used to block the walkway into the house and they would have to distract him somehow and beat feet to the house. My worst nightmare was on a trip to the lake down the street on my bike. I saw a goose that ALSO had a turkey waddle, a lazy eye, and was a complete asshole. He chased me as I peddaled as fast as my fat little legs would let me. 

large quantities of cats

I love kittens. Always have. I HATE CATS. One cat, cool. Two cats? Fun. Any more than that and I get weirded out. My fear started when I began watching a show about animal hoarding. Every show has SOMEONE who loves cats so much that they feel the need to possess about 80 of them. The damn things are stare you down, and crawl all over you and incessantly meow for no damn reason other than to get inside your head and drive you into a slow psychosis. 

Even without hoarding, one cat is just as bad. Cats are ominous satanic beasts who seek to control your life. Try lying down on the couch and having a cat take a nap on your chest. It doesn’t matter if you have to pee, if you’re hungry, or if some other facet of life beckons to you. You don’t move that cat. You just don’t know what will happen. It might feel generous and let you move it. Or it will scratch the shit out of you.

Semi trucks

When I started reading Stephen King, I began with the book Night Shift, which contained a collection of short stories. One of which was about a group of semi trucks that stalked its drivers while they sat in the truck stop cafe. They say nothing. They just stare inside the cafe waiting for their victim to step outside so they can run them over.

Also, I feel the need to point out that in most action films they show a car chase in which a car becomes stuck underneath the semi, or has to slide underneath it. It doesn’t matter what the terror is that I am envisioning. Either way, it ends in my demise.

Staplers

Have you ever been replacing the staples in the metal part of the stapler only to have it close unexpectedly on your hand? I have.

I am scared shitless of stapling my hand, finger, eye, face, you name it. I choose to use paper clips.

Mold

Its just gross. Even worse is when you make yourself a delicious sandwich and get halfway through eating it, and you look at the bread only to realize it has mold on it. If you know anything about mold, you know that it is like an iceburg. What you see is only part of it, and the spores extend throughout the entire piece of bread and probably the whole loaf. So, you’ve just had a stomach full of mold. Find a way to deal with THAT.

Ants and other bugs

Once you are covered in ants, the sensation of ants crawling all over your bare skin never leaves you. Its creepy as hell. I had some marshmallow peeps hanging out in my room, i come back in, pop some in my mouth and they tasted spicy. I look down to see my beautifully delicious marshmallow peeps covered in ants as well as my hands, and face. I had a panic attack and have declared a war on ants ever since.