Skates

The first time I ever wanted to skate, was about 5 years old. My next door neighbor Elena, was already a boss at it, and I envied her. I begged, and begged my mom and dad to let me skate.

I would daydream and think about it all the time. I was going to OWN those skates. I would skate backwards, forwards, side to side, weave- I was going to be great.

One birthday, I got my wish. I opened my present to find a pair of bright pink roller skates. I immediately stopped what I had been doing- opening presents, and insisted that I try them on that instant.

I put them on and was instantly surprised that I could not stand in them, nor could I propel my self forward. As a matter of fact, I fell flat on my little 5 year old ass. Because I was in front of my friends, I tried not to cry. Instead my mom stood behind me, holding my arms up to keep me steady. It wasn't happening. I would roll backwards, and catch myself with my foot, only to roll backwards even more. I fell a few times and then immediately burst out into tears. Ashamed and embarrassed, I demand that the skates leave my site and that they be taken back to the store. I never wanted to see roller skates again.

When I moved to a new town in the 8^th grade, I was delighted to see that there was a roller rink. It had been a long time since I skated, so I thought I would try again. I went with my brother prepared to rock it. I was dressed in tight black pants, a studded AC/DC tee shirt, and a face full of makeup. I fell on my ass right away. I met two girls, and both of them had to hold me up by my arms as I rolled around the rink. Even with being held up, even with someone standing in front of me, I still fell. I swore after that night I would never skate again.

Last year I met a friend in my chemistry class who invited me out with a few friends to roller skate. I tried to tell her about my scarring experiences with shoes that have wheels on them, but she pushed and encouraged me to give it a try. It took no time at all for her to understand my hesitation with accepting the invite in the first place. One of the dudes who works at the rink was standing in front of me holding my hands while I took baby steps. I stumbled a few times, and finally, flew backwards, falling flat on my back, smacking my head and knocking the wind out of me. All of my friends were immediately asking me if I was okay, and even though I wanted to cry like I did at my birthday party, I tried to be a bad ass and just said “ I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm just gonna go sit down,” meanwhile my eyes obviously welling up with tears.

I've decided that roller skating, is really much more of a spectator sport. I think I will settle for WATCHING the action. Shoes with wheels on them really aren't my thing.

My Experience at Chuck E Cheeses

The first job- we've all had one. The thing with getting your first job is that no one really wants to hire you. You have no experience, you're usually in high school, and are just a random teenager. Then, magically, someone decides to take a chance on you.

When my friend jokingly mentioned the idea that I should work at Chuck E. Cheeses, I ran with it. My mind ran to fantasies of being surrounded by pizza, bright colors, and wearing the ever elusive Chuck E. Costume. So, I applied.

I went in to the interview prepared with enough enthusiasm to take down the whole damned establishment. They had me stand in the middle of the restaurant and sing and dance to the song “I'm a Little Tea Pot,” which I rocked. I got a few odd looks from little kids and the parents were too focused on letting their children drown in the ball pit to notice. Needless to say, I was hired on the spot.

There is much more to working at Chuck E. Cheeses than one realizes. The first thing we learned in our Chuck E. training videos is that you are always on stage. I walked around with a smile plastered on my face and I had to make sure that the place was the next best thing to Disneyland. For working there I owned a Chuck E sippy cup and a Chuck E bucket hat. I ate the mediocre pizza every shift, and drank soda all day so I could keep up that Chuck E pride. They served cotton candy, which I also over indulged in every shift. At the end of the day I would come home smelling like sugar, soda, pizza, sweat, and cleaning supplies.

As soon as you walk in you are greeted by popular songs that have been “chuck-a-fied,” most of which would get stuck in your head and before you knew it, you would faintly hear it in the distance, and in your sleep, and every time you needed to focus on your homework. There was the stage where the Chuck E band would play. There was Chuck himself, Helen Henny, Jasper T Jowls, and Pasqually.

Every hour or so, the band would come out and rock the shit out of the little kids. Underneath the music, you could hear the sounds of machines moving every which way. At one point, Helen Henny's eyeball got stuck and was rolled into the back of her head.

Most of the time I was out on the floor fixing games, delivering pizza, and helping kids decide what prize to spend their 10 tickets they won on. Periodically I would grab a cup full of tickets and throw them in the air. The kids would come running like rabid dogs foaming at the mouth on the tickets. They bolted away just as quickly as they came. The other thing I most frequently encountered, was angry parents who had their tokens eaten by a machine. I had an angry man ask for an “upgrade on his toy,” which I did not give him.

There were two kinds of parents. One kind just went there to let their kids play. They were generally cool. Then there were the parents who still thought they were hot shit and super important, and that their kid is more important and special than every other kid. Most walked around with bluetooths in their heads, screaming “NO NO NO, I said FAX the documents to Coorporate by 4!” and various other things that made it obvious they had a very important job, and were very important people.

About 4 times per shift, I would become... CHUCK E! Several employees would be Chuck in a shift, all of varying heights. So, Chuck would often go from 6ft tall to 5'1 in a matter of hours. However, when I wore the costume. I became Chuck E. The children loved me, and those who didn't love me, feared me. They were my puppets, and I, their master. Once I walked out, the kids would lose their mind and sprint to come see me. They would offer me food, toys, tickets, and their souls. They wanted to please me. I would walk around the store, only to turn around and see their adoring faces staring at me. While it was cute, it was also quite creepy to have a horde of 5 year old stalkers. There were, however, kids who had an adverse reaction to me. I would frequently make little kids cry and shake with fear, and I probably made a few piss themselves. I did have one 9 year old asshole punch me in the stomach.

When I wasn't tending to my flock of fans, I was making appearances at their birthdays. I would come out and do the birthday dance to a song that was sung by a Fred Schneider imitator. I was the best birthday dancer ever. I did the best robot, the best “mix the cake” move. I was electric.

My love of Chuck E Cheeses was equal to the loathing I had for my boss. She, was not very Chuck E. Cheese. She wasn't magical at ALL. She was angry, bitter, made me cry in front of customers, and sat on her fat ass in the back room and ate pizza until she was forced to come out and deal with the customers, which she also hated. I really do think that every time a child laughed, she died a bit on the inside.

I didn't last very long at Chuck E. I was there 4 months, and then school happened again, so I had to leave. I will always remember my experience, and I know they remember me. I was not just an employee. I will forever be “the girl that WAS Chuck e. Cheeses.”

Ps- Chuck E. Cheese does serve beer, so anyone who wants to pre-game Chuck E. Cheese's, drink beer there, dominate the games, and win kick ass prizes- call me.