Childhood (Invisible) Friends

As a kid, I was what one would call “weird.” I made growling sounds when I was hungry, I insisted on dressing myself in clothing that was more suitable for 80's cokeheads, and I was obsessed with Garth Brooks. What happens when you’re a weird kid? You have no friends…..because you’re weird. Even more, I was made fun of…..for being weird. So to cope with this, like any other kid, I came up with some invisible friends.

Now, many kids create invisible friends. When most kids create their invisible friend, they create a “Bob” “George” “Cindy” “Sarah” or something pretty average. The “friend” is a real person, a manifestation of the type of person they want to be friends with. Some kids also use this as an opportunity to use their “invisible friend” to get seconds on dinner. Surprisingly, that was not my motivation for creating my invisible friend (note to self: go back in time, and tell younger self to create invisible friends for the purposes of getting seconds at dinner). My invisible friend creation was pure coping mechanism. First of all, I was clever enough to create more than one invisible friend. If you are going to do it, do it right. Why have friendship when you can have status....power......followers. My invisible friends, weren’t human, but savage packs of wolf-men. I called these wolf men “RunGuy.” There were a few hundred of them in my mind, all named RunGuy.

RunGuy was a half man half wolf creation with razor sharp claws that could tear my enemies to shreds. They carried mini-14s (no joke, I actually claimed they carried around mini-14s), and always traveled in packs-the better to kill with. They were incredibly ugly, but they were faithful and LOVED me. I, Kelly Renee Bigley, was Queen of the RunGuys.

The first rule of RunGuy, was never talking about RunGuy. Few knew about him, and those who knew were sworn to secrecy. RunGuy was my WMD; I could elude to him/them enough to scare people but never enough to give myself away. The second rule? There are no rules for RunGuy other than rule #1.

RunGuy slept next to my bed so as to keep that fucking Boogie Man in his place. Others slept on my bed next to every single one of my beanie babies to keep me warm. Others slept in my doorway. I used to have this odd mini hallucination before I went to sleep that wouldn't quite terrify me as much as it would intimidate me. I always slept with my door open and the curtain to my bedroom window open as well. The way the light hit my room made these two shadows appear in my doorway. These shadows resembled something along the lines of pine trees. In my little child mind, these pine trees had souls.... demon souls. If I wasn't careful, these evil demon pine trees were going to come along and gobble me up. Now, I am fully aware of how ridiculous this sounds, but to a child, this is terrifying. Actually, the thought of demon pine trees coming to gobble me up still terrifies me when I think about it, and I am thankful that I now live in Los Angeles where there are no demon pine trees.

I would awaken in the morning to my faithful pack by my side and summon them to me to help me prepare for school that morning. I was so loved and adored by them that rather than allowing me to walk anywhere, they insisted on carrying my fat toddler body on their backs- backs that could hold infinite amounts of weight. They carried me off to brush my baby teeth, help me get dressed, and finally guard me as I ate breakfast. RunGuy, even though he was part animal would not beg. RunGuy knew how important food was to me, and knew better than to beg. He knew begging would not only not get him any food, but it would bring shame upon ALL of the RunGuy pack.

They would follow me out to the school bus stop at the end of our driveway along with all 50 of our other animals and would wait for the bus with me. When the bus finally arrived, the strongest would ride the bus with me to school while the others held down the fort at home. Literally, I had a fort; they took care of it, hence “holding down the fort.” While on the bus, I sat near the emergency door not because I was afraid of accidents, but because I just liked to, take it at that. Mine was the second stop, and each stop we made provided another chance for my creatures to assess each person- most of which were cool. Every now and then they would oblige and move aside for one of my friends, whom they would also protect. Any friend of master was a friend of RunGuy. For the assholes they didn't like, they would growl, leaving the kids cowering in fear and running away to the furthest bus seat away from me.

I think other children knew not to mess with me at some point. My evil wolf pack energy emanated from my body...or was that my foul early pubescent body odor? Regardless, I was protected. You know how in those teen movies the “cool kid” steps onto campus and everyone stops and stares while they walk in slowish motion while awesome trendy music plays? It was exactly like that, yet nothing like that all at the same time.

One day I walked into class and sat down and that bitch Bethany was sitting there.... staring and smiling that toothless smile. I hated her, she hated me, but we were friends. We were frenemies before that term even existed. Bethany and me had this dream of building our own life size Polly Pocket clubhouse. Pretty bitchin if you ask me, and as a matter of fact, I would still love my own Polly Pocket club house. Her and me had this agreement about what color it would be, the furniture we would have. Then, for no good reason, or because she was a little kid and little kids change their mind, she changed her fucking mind. Needless to say, I was infuriated. I let her have it..... RunGuy style. I mentally commanded my wolf pack on her as I did to all my enemies. The best part was, was that she or anyone else had no idea the suffering they were enduring in my mind. It was gruesome. I would laugh maniacally as they suffered in imaginary pain. If I hated you as a 5 year old, chances are you faced the wrath of my wolf pack.

RunGuy and I were tight for many years. He went with me on a house boating trip one year to Lake Powell. Finally, I could reward my hard working wolf pack with a little R&R.  On this trip we went with a family friend who had a husband and two sons, the youngest of which was best friends with my brother, however, both of these brothers were hot (in the way that a 7 year old has a crush on her brothers friends kind of hot). I was much too young to appreciate the trip to be honest- blue water, cool looking rocks/mountains/cliffs, meh. I was much more interested in hanging out with our friends' dad (who was like my grandpa's age) drinking V8s and brushing the little hair he had on his head. He was a real trooper. He would just sit there patiently while I brushed his hair and rambled aimlessly on about relevant topics in my 7 year old society. 

I don’t recall the series of events leading up to what was about to happen, but what I recall was some mysterious energy infringing itself upon my good wolf pack. The energy was dark and it was dangerous, and it required my immediate attention. The only appropriate thing was to exit the houseboat and take the battle onto solid ground where we were docked. The battle was on and it required me to take on my wolf pack- I became RunGuy incarnated. I was lost in the heat of the moment, it was the passion of war that so enthralled me to the point that I did not notice that I had acquired an audience. I looked up to find RunGuy’s mortal enemies- my father and my brother. They were never supposed to know. They at that point knew everything. ABORT ABORT ABORT! I yelled to my wolf pack. Being the loyal animals that they were, they listened and sacrificed themselves in the name of their master. They jumped off the cliffs surrounding Lake Powell, never to be seen again.

I'd like to think that a little bit of RunGuy exists in everyone. That moment when you are pissed at your boyfriend? RunGuy is there. That moment when some asshole cuts you in line while you just want to order your hot wings? RunGuy is there.

Wait? You mean to tell me you don't experience this? So.... it’s just me? RunGuy LIVES!