My mom is a wonderful woman- smart, funny, beautiful, and a source of entertainment. Throughout my childhood, she was known for some of her sneaky ways of teaching us a lesson-which usually scared the shit out of us, or she had a way of comforting you,all the while insulting your enemies with low blows.
This is my mother:
When my brother was 5, he got super pissed at my mom and decided it was best that he run away- he was going to teach her some kind of lesson. He shouted "I'm gonna run away!" To which my mother replied "okay, Ill help you pack!" She helped him pack and sent him outside with his Ninja Turtles back pack, shut the door behind him, and locked it. He stood there in disbelief, and waited at the door, hoping that Mom would realize how wrong she was and come begging for him to come back, in which case my brother would just say "no mother, its too late for 'I'm sorry now!" THAT would teach her! But, alas, it never came. Giving up on that fantasy, my brother went and hid in a nearby tree- that was his new home. The branch just above him would hold all of his favorite snacks, the branch just to his right would be his bed- he had a plan. But home kept calling, and quite frankly, a tree is no place for a kid to grow up, it makes monsters out of men. So he ran inside begging for my mom's forgiveness. My mom thankfully let him inside. My brother never ran away again.
While we are on the subject of my brother, he and his friends thought it was a brilliant idea to shoot pinecones at cars with their slingshots .One car stopped at a halt, and my brother shot inside the house and hid out in his room. That car drove right up to my house and spoke to my mom, after which she carefully formulated her plan. "Just wait until your father gets home," she told him. That's the last thing any kid wants to hear. My mom waited a bit, and tip toed outside and rung the doorbell. She walked to my brother's room and told him 'the cops are here, they want to talk to you." It was like pulling a dog by its leash to the bath tub. My mom pulled my brother by the arm towards the door, my brother reluctantly walking behind her. she opened the door slightly so that only she could see outside and she pretended to talk to the officer. She pulled the door open to reveal no one standing there. My brother looked around and then back at my mother. "See that? That's what can happen! Now get your ass back to your room and wait for you father!!"
As any kid does, I threw crying tantrums when I did not get my way. My mom decided to tell me "go to your room and don't come out until you can smile." I would stomp off into my room and sit in front of my play armoire. I would sit and watch myself cry in disbelief wondering "How can she discipline THAT face? This face is DEVASTATING! This is the face of true torment, sadness and distress!" Seeing myself cry would just make me more pissed, so I cried more. That was until I found a loophole. I walked out to my mom, still sobbing, BUT I made sure I was smiling. How could she not buy that? I WAS smiling, just as she asked. She wasn't buying it, and sent me off to my room to watch myself cry some more.
Every kid thinks they are sly, and can get one past mom- not my mom. This woman has eyes of a hawk and reflexes of a fucking panther. She knew we hated homework, she knew we never did it or would try to not do it and say that we did. She was also friends with other PTA members, so she knew when shit went down. She would ask us, "I'm going to ask you this once, and I want you to think really, really hard about your answer. If I catch you lying, its going to be twice as bad." She would throw that one out whether she knew anything or not. so you never knew if she knew anything. The best thing to do was to assume that she knew all, because, usually, she did. This would end in us confessing everything, doing ourselves in by giving away too much just in case she knew that too, and getting grounded. This even applies to when I am sick. Whenever I was sick and wanted to stay home, she would look at me and say "are you THAT sick?" "do you REALLY want to stay home?" I would psych myself out and pretend that I was fine. This has translated into my adult life. I will be pale as a sheet and look on the edge of death and I will tell myself "no no, Im fine. Im just fine." I get to work and people tell me I look like I am about to die, but i assure them that I am fine. I'll consider going home when I nearly pass out or sneeze so hard my brain hurts, but then my mother's voice echos to me "Are you REALLY sick?" I go through that fun cycle until someone forces me to go home and to not come back until I have at least some color in my face.
My mom was the kind of mom who watched Oprah. She knew of all the dangers out there, whether they were actually real, or just dramatic exaggerations, just because its Oprah and she can do whatever the hell she wants. Oprah probably led her to his gem:
I had just moved to a new area and I was in the 2nd grade. I had FINALLY made new friends, and these friends had some candy for me- button candy to be exact. They gave me a strip and I sat out and ate it as I waited for my mom. I proudly showed my mom the gift these new friends had bestowed upon me, to which she takes it, and tells me not to eat it because it "probably has drugs in it."
No one can comfort you quite like mom can.
I had an argument with a teacher of mine, and she told me 'its okay honey, someday you'll be making more money than him."
My mom has also has some of the best blond moments of her life.
There used to be this video of a waterskiing squirrel (really just a man in a suit). My mom blurted out " OMG How did they teach that squirrel to water ski!?" My dad informed her "thats a man in a suit....." She said 'no its not, its a squirrel," "no, thats a man in a suit."
My mom really wanted to see the movie “African Cats.” She was watching tv when the preview came on, and at the end, like every movie preview, it said “Only in theaters April 22nd” Defeated, she says 'Aww I really wanted to see that movie but its only in theaters April 22nd.”
In conclusion- or until my mom does something else, I will end by thanking my mom for being a good sport, being an awesome mother, and for giving me all the material I'll ever need.
