People I Hate

SCRAPBOOKERS

I've never been one for arts and crafts- in general I avoid them. However, scrapbookers, gravitate towards it at an almost unnatural rate. They collect everything for the sake of making a page to remember that moment by.

Why do I hate scrapbookers? Scrapbookers are obnoxious, and are the type of “craft people” that insist you take part in their craft. They know how to ruin a chill get together by blurting out “Hey everyone! Lets scrapbook!” You look for a reason not to and say “ah, you see, I didn't bring my pens or supplies.” Not surprisingly, they carry that shit on them. They are always prepared to make a scrapbook memory of it. They get you by saying they want to “remember this moment.” So, you join them for the sake of not looking like an asshole. Then, here you are, staring at a blank piece of paper and you realize that you have no idea what the hell you are doing. You have random pens, pieces of fabric, and other items that you are supposed to glue in random places that still make sense. Then you decide what you “vision” is and you go for it.....and still fail. You proudly hold up your scrapbook page to you friend who approves of it in the same way as a mother approves of her 4-year old bringing a piece of macaroni art home- she has no idea what the hell its supposed to be, but she hangs it on the fridge, only to remove it later hoping the kid doesn't notice. Then your scrapbooking friend hold up her page, and its a magnificent piece of art, and you again, remember why you never attempt art in the first place.

“You're going to think this is funny” People.

I love jokes. I love funny stories. What kills both of them? Being told how funny I'm going to think they are when I hear them.

These people have the best of intentions, they want to make you laugh. However, the moment they say “you wanna hear something funny?” I immediately start laughing uncontrollably because I am expecting to laugh so I just start laughing. Another one of my (not) favorites is when they say “You are gonna crack up at this one...” and they continue their story. Usually, I DON'T crack up because I was expecting something hilarious and was met with something relatively mediocre. It's not that the story isn't funny, I usually chuckle for the sake of being polite, but its just more of a “you had to be there” kind of funny.

Rather than assuming your joke is hilarious and that I'm going to bust my gut laughing, tell me “hey, wanna hear a joke?” and let ME decide if I think its funny. When you set me up for something I think is going ot be the best joke or story of my life, and it flops, your credibility for the next time you say “oh you're gonna bust up at this one...” drops considerably.

People Who Talk For Their Dogs

Don't get me wrong, I love animals, and it's true that all of my animals have people names. I love them all, but I stop at giving them all human qualities.

I cringe when I hear someone say about their dog when its begging for attention, 'Look! It's as if shes saying 'look mommy! I want to party too!'”

No, your dog isn't saying that. Its a dog and therefore is incapable of higher thinking. It has no concept of party. It most certainly does not see you as “mommy.” You are “master.” To it, you are a big weird looking alpha dog.

Another, is inundating one's facebook with pictures of their cats/dogs with captions that say “Okay mom! I'm ready for my closeup.” Usually the same people have every other picture as their dog/cat/hamster. Every other status update includes updates about where they are.....with their dog.

Do you remember that speech your ex boyfriend gave you about “personal space” and not being so “clingy.” Yeah, your dog would give you the same exact speech if it could.

The person who repeats a funny line while watching a movie

Sometimes I enjoy going to the movies to see a funny movie. If something is funny, I laugh and move on.

This person, doesn't quite grasp that concept. If THEY find something funny, not only do they repeat what the person onscreen just said, but they laugh obnoxiously as they do so. Then they look at me to see if I am laughing just as hard as they are- either to “include” me or for some kind of validation.

Dear “funny line repeater” and “laugh validator”

You really don't need to repeat that line, I hear it. See that huge screen in front of us? It produces sound that the whole damn theater can hear- which means I heard the joke at the same exact volume that you did. Repeating it does not make it any funnier. It's okay to laugh- you don't need my permission.

Parents who try to make their kids classy

When I see Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes dress up their kid Suri in ridiculously expensive clothing, I want to laugh at the contradiction.

When you put your child in these clothes, they are still going to be little kids. Just because your kid is in a $5,000 Gucci dress, does not mean she won't still shit herself, pick her nose and eat it, and generally put her little jam hands all over that expensive dress.

The kid has no concept of how to behave in public, which means your effort to have the image of the “perfect family” before your children even have a concept of it, will always fail. Just when you get them dressed all perfect, they are going to do what little kids do. As soon as the parents who do this realize this, they can finally put their kids in clothing they don't have to worry about being ruined by some unknown sticky substance.