The Most Awkward Child Ever

  We all go through awkward phases. Some of those phases last for a few years, or say 4^th grade. For me, it was pretty much my whole childhood. I have compiled a list of a few facts that will give you an idea as to just how awkward I was.

I got started on my coffee addiction really young. My dad used to make me coffee that was mainly milk with a little bit of coffee. I was still addicted. I would approach the counter and eerily say to my dad “mmmmmmmm coffee coffee I like coffee,” with my little beady eyes just gleaming with hope that I could get my fix.

I used to reenact the scene from the Lion King in which Scar kills Mufasa, on a chair in my living room, by myself. I would do all the voices as well.

In the second grade, I hit what you would call, early puberty. I was the tallest of all the kids- much like a 10 year old's body with a 7 year old's head sitting on top of it. I also had to start wearing a training bra in the 2^nd grade. Perhaps one of the most awkward phases of my early puberty was that I smelled- really really bad. My parents decided to get me some deodorant so I wouldn't smell. The problem with this is, as an 8 year old, you really don't know WHY you are supposed to be wearing deodorant, or why it is that you smell bad. Nor can you make the connection that, “hey, if I wear this, I can smell like a normal 8 year old!” My family would all be riding in the car, and my mom would blurt out “Oh My GOD! What is that smell!?” Guess what? Its your 8-year old oblivious daughter sitting in the back seat picking her nose in her Lion King tee-shirt- completely unaware that she smells like a grown man. Then there were the times I would sprout random and really really long armpit hairs, and my mother would insist on cutting them with kitchen scissors.

I had to wear glasses really young- around 4. It was pretty damn adorable. My glasses were much too big for my face and they amplified my eyes. This complimented my bright blonde hair that flipped in all directions. One time, when I needed a new pair of glasses, my grandmother decided to take me to pick them out. The pair I came back with was a giant pair of bifocals- bifocals I DID NOT need, but my grandmother insisted were adorable.

While on the subject of my eyes, I had a horrible lazy eye as a child. I had to wear eye patches when I was at home. To make it even worse, I made these weird sounds whenever I was concentrating really hard (such as on coloring) or when I was hungry. So often, I would be coloring with my eyepatch on, with my tongue hanging out, making a weird grunting humming noise.

When my family and I went to mass, I used to bring my bible with me. The priest would enter, and in classic Catholic mass tradition, carry the bible down the aisle above his head. I too, would hold my bible over my head. I was a dedicated Catholic. I even answered all of his rhetorical questions. It got to the point that he would call on me in the middle of mass to ask my opinion, which I always obliged.

My grandmother bought me a little purse with a book in it that had the whole mass in it- the prayers, the order of EVERYTHING, and it outlined everything the Priest should be saying. I loved it. I eventually could mimic the priest as he chanted his way through it.

When I was in second grade, I was in love with a friend of my brother. He was in 8^th grade, and in the same school I was in. To show my love for him, I would draw pictures of Orca whales swimming in the ocean and hand deliver it to his class. I'm not sure what Orca whales have to do with love, but for some reason, I felt that this was appropriate to give to him. Maybe I was just inspired by Free Willy.

We had this family friend named Janet. One year when we were all hanging out at her house, she told me that some rocks are dinosaur eggs, and therefore need hatching. I'm sure my parents LOVED that, because I proceeded to collect rocks, desperately hoping they would hatch. Guess what? THEY NEVER DID JANET- THEY. NEVER. DID.

When I was 10, I had a brief crush on Alex Trebek. He not only had me Hooked on Phonics, he had me hooked on that sweet mustache.

I always tried to be much older than I actually was. When I was 10 I tried to shave my legs, and by shave my legs I mean dry shave, and by shave, I mean cut a huge gash in my leg, scream for my mommy, only to have her come into the bathroom to see my leg covered in blood.

My school's cafeteria when I was in 5^th grade would have various things in the salad bar. One of which was peaches. I would usually fill each and every portion of my tray with peaches. I would also take my burger and put stacks and stacks of pickles on it, followed by a lot of mustard.

One day in 5^th grade we had just learned about petitions. I was inspired to write up a petition about 5^th graders being allowed to have a school dance- because normally they weren't. I actually got several classes of kids to sign it. Nothing ever came of it, except the teachers knew I meant business. I was a force to be reckoned with.

In 8^th grade we had to do a social experiment and do a presentation on it. So I did a presentation on how we are all influenced on society. I got up in front of the class and basically told them all that they were not original and were just all copies of what people wanted them to be. Lets just say I made no friends on that day.

My awkward phase never really ended. The only difference now, is that rather than being made fun of for being weird, people are like “Hey, you're kinda weird, and thats cool now. Lets be friends.”